“I used to be a super-mom” my friend, Leah shared with me one day over coffee. “I remembered everyone’s birthday, packed every lunch, attended every school meeting and used to stay up late making freshly baked snacks for the kids… but I just can’t do it anymore.”
It started subtly, the cold leftover coffee sitting at the table, and a sense of deep exhaustion that never lifted. She no longer had the energy to play pretend or answer the million “but, why??” questions from her curious five-year-old.
She convinced herself it was normal. She told herself that this was just what motherhood feels like sometimes. She wondered if her friends ever experienced the same thing − but it couldn’t be? They all seemed so perfect and none of them ever complained about this.
But, as the weeks and months went on, the exhaustion started to feel like a winter that never left. The weight of everything − work deadlines, school pick-ups and the never-ending to-do lists − crushed her.
Leah was experiencing parental burnout.
Burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion caused by chronic stress. It manifests as a sense of overwhelming fatigue, irritability and burst of anger (with feelings of guilt and shame often quickly following). Physical symptoms can manifest too: headaches, gastrointestinal problems and a lower immune system – to name a few.
Traditionally, burnout has been exclusively associated with chronic occupational stress. However, recent studies have highlighted that burnout can be experienced outside of the workplace.
Today, parenting has taken on multiple roles and additional pressures. From monitoring and navigating your children’s digital world, to intensive schooling, emotional and social involvement – parents are stretching themselves thin.
Juggling it all can be tolerated for short periods of time, but when ongoing, something must give. Burned out parents can feel trapped and can arguably experience more severe symptoms than occupational burnout. Because there is no HR, no sick leave, no time off or options to move on to a new job.
“From monitoring and navigating your children’s digital world, to intensive schooling, emotional and social involvement – parents are stretching themselves thin”
Like Leah, most of the parents I know and work with, find it hard to talk about this experience because of feelings of shame and guilt. But, as a counsellor, it is my job to remind that you can love your child and still experience parenting as challenging, exhausting and overwhelming.
Recognising the symptoms of burnout is crucial towards addressing it, and the good news is that are a few strategies you can adopt to manage and prevent burnout.
Be mindful of your inner dialogue and practise reframing: sometimes we can be our own worst enemy rather than our biggest cheerleader. The demands of parenting are hard enough, so sometimes, our own expectations of being the “perfect parent”, trying to please everyone and comparing ourselves to other parents can become a tipping point.
Watch out for your inner voice. For example, instead of saying “I should be able to handle it all”, try shifting this to “I’m exploring new ways to help me cope better”.
Step back, re-evaluate and prioritise. Does your home need to be in tip-top shape all the time? Can the dishes wait? Is it possible to cut back on certain tasks or create healthier boundaries?
Focus on intentional rest. We are all guilty of turning to social media and endlessly scrolling after a tough day. But this does not always act as a replenishing or re-energising activity. Focus on rest that is intentional – whether it is going to bed earlier, taking a long walk, doing a workout or clearing out the weekend to spend time reconnecting with your partner, intentional rest is about what matters to you as an individual and the ways your body and mind recharge.
Seek support. You cannot be everything to everyone all the time. Individual and/or family therapy can be a wonderful place to seek support and facilitate positive change.
Nicolette Cachia is a counsellor and Malta Association for the Counselling Profession (MACP) secretary.
If you’re interested in learning more about the counselling profession or would like additional information on mental health and self-care, visit www.macpmalta.org, www.facebook.com/ CounsellingMaltaMACP or e-mail info@macpmalta.org.
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