Let me start by saying one thing clearly − in case my daughter ever reads this: I love being a parent. And I love being a parent to my daughter.
But parenting has forced me to confront a part of myself I don’t particularly like: my confrontational side.
Like many mothers I know, I’ve always been very much a live-and-let-live kind of person. I never tried to convince or force someone to do something they didn’t want to do. Parenting, however, has required me to do exactly that – over and over again.
Get out of bed for school.
Get ready.
Do your homework.
Sleep!
It feels endless, and at times exasperating − mostly because it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable and, oddly, like “the bad guy”.
So I turned to counselling psychologist Dr Stephanie Borg Bartolo, a senior visiting lecturer at the University of Malta’s Department of Psychiatry − and a mother − to help me understand why we feel this way and to offer some perspective.
Structure matters
Stephanie starts by reassuring me that creating structure − even when a child resists − is a good thing.
“When working and raising children, boundaries, routines and structure are very important. I think sometimes, as parents, we are afraid of boundaries and setting ground rules. The reasons may be many. Some of us may have been brought up in very strict or critical households, so when we become parents we promise ourselves to parent differently and be more flexible,” she says.
She explains that while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to give our children a different childhood, different doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they want or giving them everything.
“It won’t make you the popular parent, but it’s our job to do what’s best for our children based on research and evidence”
Take sleep, for example. Most children will resist bedtime, insisting they’re not tired. “We might think, what’s the problem? Let them sleep at 11pm, it’s not worth the argument. While part of that may be true, we also know children need a certain number of hours of sleep. We’re not talking about one-off occasions like family weddings or parties. We’re talking about consistently not getting enough rest,” she explains.
The same applies to screen time. While some parents might brush off screentime as just being something fun for their children to spend time doing, the reality is that boundaries matter, even if setting them might be inconvenient for everyone.
“It won’t make you the popular parent, but it’s our job to do what’s best for our children based on research and evidence. If we know children under five should have very limited screen time, placing that boundary may feel uncomfortable. It may cause tantrums, crying, and unpleasant reactions – but our role is to raise healthy children.”
Why setting boundaries feels so uncomfortable
But if we know we’re doing the right thing, why does it feel so bad?
Stephanie encourages parents to reflect on where this is coming from. “Is it because I’m burnt out and really need a break, and setting boundaries means even more work? Is it because I worry my child won’t like me? What’s really happening?”
She explains that consistency, starting early and explaining boundaries calmly can make a huge difference.
She shares an example from her own life: choosing not to allow her son to play a certain game his friends were playing.
“I calmly explained that the game he is talking about is 12+ and he is much younger than that, and while it must be frustrating that everyone else is playing it, some parts of the game are violent and it’s my job to keep him safe.” To her surprise, the issue wasn’t the game itself.
“He didn’t even want to play the game − he just felt he didn’t know how to contribute to the conversation with his friends, since he didn’t play the game. So, instead we talked about how he could talk about what games he plays and share ideas about different games that exist.”
This, she says, is a common concern among parents: the fear of our children feeling excluded or different. It comes from love − wanting them to have the best − but it’s worth asking ourselves: what is “the best”?
Is it material things and instant happiness? Or is it protecting our childhood, offering stability, and creating core memories?
The developmental value of boundaries
From a child development perspective, boundaries − even when unpopular − offer children something essential: security and safety, explains Stephanie.
Consistency helps children thrive. It reassures them that the world is predictable, that someone is in charge, and that they are safe. This predictability reduces anxiety and builds trust.
Other benefits of boundaries include improved impulse control and self-regulation; healthy development of the prefrontal cortex, which is crucial for decision-making and emotional regulation; and fewer behavioural and emotional regulation difficulties, which are often seen in children who grow up without consistent boundaries.
Of course, there will always be exceptions. What matters is explaining that they are exceptions. This helps children understand that rules exist, but sometimes circumstances change – which is normal and healthy, Stephanie explains.
At the heart of it all, consistency is what children need most. Even when it makes us uncomfortable. Even when it makes us feel like the “bad guy”. Because often, doing what’s right doesn’t feel good in the moment – but it matters more than we realise.
And that’s parenting, right? Choosing to do what is best for our child, which is not always the easiest path for us. What is for sure is that it comes from a place of love… and that should be enough to cancel off any uncomfortable feelings and stamp out – once and for all – the idea of being “the bad guy”.
How to set boundaries
Stephanie shares practical tips for enforcing boundaries while managing parental guilt:
Be consistent. Without consistency, boundaries lose their power.
Explain the boundary and stick to it. Many of us fear saying no because, growing up, “because I said so” felt deeply frustrating. Offering explanations builds understanding and teaches cause and effect.
Use empathy. Acknowledge that the boundary isn’t what they want and may not feel fun − while still maintaining it.
Be firm but loving. Use language that reassures your child that they are loved, even when you’re saying no.
Trust your instincts. You know your child best. While advice can be helpful, stick to what works for you and your family.
Remember your role. Your job is to parent, not to be your child’s best friend.
Be flexible within firm boundaries. It’s not about “no chocolate ever,” but rather, “You had pancakes this morning − let’s choose a different snack instead”.
This article was written by Claudia Calleja for Woman Unclouded, an exciting platform that seeks to uncloud women-related issues by sharing experiences and expertise. It’s packed with thoughts and truths, advice for our daughters and regular news round-ups. Enjoy all of Claudia’s advice and wisdom for women living in Malta (and beyond) today at www.womanunclouded.com.