As I write, I am 39 weeks pregnant with my first child. A few weeks ago, in what I can only describe as a moment of frantic nesting, I found myself wanting to write my husband a letter − something for him to read before the baby arrives. A letter to mark the closing of this pregnancy chapter and the beginning of our shared adventure into parenthood.
As I sat down to write, I found myself reflecting on the past decade, the foundation we built together and how we got here.
The truth is, my husband and I have always wanted children. When we were planning our wedding three years ago, we chose a short engagement because we could not wait to start trying once we were married. But after the wedding, we decided to delay those plans for “just for a few months” which ended up turning into three years.
We made that choice because we loved the life we had built together: the ease of being a duo, the independence, our home, how simple it was to travel, to make impulsive plans, to linger in bed on weekends, or stay out late indulging in one too many cocktails. It felt almost too good to disrupt − to introduce a third being who would demand our time, energy and attention in ways we could not yet fully imagine.
As a counsellor, I have heard countless stories from clients about what happens to relationships after a baby arrives. It is often one of the most challenging transitions a couple can face. We expect exhaustion, sleep deprivation and shifting roles. We even expect conflict. Yet knowing this does not always make it easier to live through.
Truthfully, after walking alongside clients in the post-partum period, I cannot help but hold some of these fears and anxieties myself. What will our marriage look like in a few months? In a few years? How do we protect the relationship we value so deeply − not just survive this transition, but grow through it?
Here are a few principles I keep returning to, drawn from the Gottman Institute’s work and my own experience as a counsellor. They are the foundation I hope to carry with us into parenthood.
Acknowledge that conflict is inevitable
When a baby enters a relationship, love does not disappear. However, time, sleep, patience and emotional bandwidth often do. Conflict during this period is not a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. It is simply inevitable during this transition.
Baby-proofing a relationship is not about avoiding conflict or pretending everything is fine. It is about protecting connections during a time of intense change. An exercise I encourage couples to have is a conversation about how they “plan” to handle conflict − and, more importantly, how to repair things − when no conflict or tension is present.
In this case, it helps to distinguish between the problems you can solve, for example, discussing who is going to handle chores, schedules or boundaries with visitors, and enduring differences such as personality or parenting styles, your needs or your values.
For solvable problems, choose calm moments to discuss and aim for compromise, not victory. For ongoing issues, aim for understanding rather than resolution, and validate each other’s experiences.
“Staying emotionally connected helps both partners feel seen and valued as they navigate the transition together”
Protect your friendship first
Friendship is the foundation of a strong relationship. In the early post-partum period, romance may be limited, but emotional friendship still matters deeply.
Small actions here can make a big difference: expressing appreciation, even for the smallest things, and checking in on your partner − asking how they are really doing − can go a long way.
Avoid letting conversations devolve into nothing but logistics. Staying emotionally connected helps both partners feel seen and valued as they navigate the transition together.
Shift from ‘me vs you’ to ‘us vs the problem’
Between the shared exhaustion, shifting roles and responsibilities, financial stress and competing needs, stress levels may soar during this time.
Couples who stay connected see conflict as a shared challenge, not a personal failure. Instead of saying ‘You never help at night’, try ‘We’re both exhausted − how can we tackle nights as a team?’ Language matters, especially when everyone is running on empty.
Make the invisible work visible
One of the biggest sources of resentment for new parents, particularly mothers, is the mental load: tracking appointments, anticipating needs and feeling like you need to remember every minute detail. Relationships thrive when contributions feel acknowledged and fair. This may mean explicitly discussing who handles what, what “help” actually looks like, and when roles need to shift. These conversations prevent silent score-keeping that can lead to post-partum rage.
Schedule connection
Connection does not just happen; it has to be intentional. Even a brief 10- minute uninterrupted check-in can protect your emotional intimacy. Simple questions can open meaningful conversations: What felt challenging today? What felt supportive? What do you need more of this week?
Baby-proofing a relationship is not about doing everything right. Your relationship, like your parenting, need not be perfect. It needs to be protected, and, perhaps, held with the same care, compassion, intention and tenderness as the new life you are welcoming into it.
Nicolette Cachia is a counsellor and Malta Association for the Counselling Profession (MACP) secretary. If you are interested in learning more about the counselling profession, or would like additional information on mental health and self-care, visit www.macpmalta.org, www.facebook.com/CounsellingMaltaMACP or e-mail info@macpmalta.org.
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