The relationship between childhood and adulthood is not simply transitional or consequential. It is a two-way street that we can learn a lot from if the connection is maintained. Severing this connection can lead to a variety of interpersonal issues that are more common than one might expect.
Actions by adults who forget that they were once children could potentially have a knock-on effect on their own children. Children and adults have different ways to communicate their needs, and this is already a challenge in itself – how can we know what the other needs if we cannot comprehend each other?
From the moment we are born, we are helpless. We do not choose who our parents are, and we do not influence how they choose to raise us. The argument here is not to challenge or judge our parents’ actions but more so to highlight a deeper issue – did we as children get what we truly needed from our parents?
Assuming you had all your basic needs met − food, water, shelter, etc… − does this inherently mean you had everything you needed?
As children begin to grow and achieve a better understanding of the world they live in, they may also become more emotionally literate. This means they begin to understand themselves better and how they feel or felt about their life experiences, both past and present. They are curious by nature and they question everything in their pursuit of knowledge.
Through these crucial stages in life, people never stop questioning. If anything, the more we develop, the more we find our minds in deep contemplation.
One of the things we always end up returning to is our childhood. This makes sense as these are our humble origins and most vulnerable beginnings in the journey to find our purpose and develop our identity.
“Some people try their hardest not to repeat the mistakes of their parents by changing the narrative and doing things differently with their children. This could potentially have the opposite effect”
Who we are is ultimately derived from who we were, as the saying goes − the child is the father of the man.
To return to the previous point about our needs as children, if some were not met, we often attempt to find compensation in adulthood. It is our special way of giving our inner child what they felt they needed and, in so doing, soothing the pain that comes from these needs not being realised.
Many adults come to this realisation and may feel some level of resentment towards their own parents for not understanding them or even unknowingly traumatising them. This may, at times, even lead to feelings of guilt and shame for experiencing their parents this way.
Some people try their hardest not to repeat the mistakes of their parents by changing the narrative and doing things differently with their children. This could potentially have the opposite effect, given the nature of extremes.
The irony in all of this is that, usually, the intentions of our parents were not to hurt or to traumatise us but rather a result of their own upbringing. At times, this can potentially lead to transgenerational trauma, where one generation passes on traumatic experiences to the next generation, and a devastating cycle is born.
This is not a condemnation but more of a reflection and a call for awareness. Focusing solely on the pain and anger of any experience prohibits and limits our opportunities for learning, understanding and growth.
Using my traumatic experiences to better myself will not only help me become stronger, but it can also help in putting a stop to the vicious cycle of re-traumatisation and thus help the next generations not to repeat the mistakes of those who came before them.
The only way to do this is to never lose touch with our childhood experiences and make sense of them with our developed adult brains and developmental emotional literacy. In this way, we know and understand ourselves better. We cannot begin to move forward if we do not know how we got here.
Mark Bonello is counsellor and member of MACP – Malta Association for the Counselling Profession.
If you’re interested in learning more about the counselling profession or would like additional information on mental health and self-care, visit www.macpmalta.org, www.facebook.com/ CounsellingMaltaMACP or e-mail info@macpmalta.org.
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