While often regarded as an incredibly rewarding and joyful journey, the reality of parenting frequently involves navigating complex and demanding emotional experiences. Parents also experience a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when faced with challenging or perplexing child behaviour they find difficult to manage or understand.
Such situations can lead to chronic exhaustion, both physically and emotionally. However, it may be very reassuring to keep in mind that situations can change and these phases are often transient, and with understanding, support and effective strategies, it is possible for parents in such situations to experience a more harmonious and fulfilling family life.
Defining challenging behaviour
As a starting point, it might be beneficial to define challenging behaviour. It stands to reason that, at one point, children are going to feel upset, angry, stressed or disappointed for various reasons and, consequently, end up acting out at times. Such moments are usually characterised by hitting, having tantrums, shouting, lashing out or storming out.
This behaviour can be classified as challenging when such episodes not only become more frequent and difficult to deal with, but they may even start having an impact on the person’s daily quality of life, relationships, learning at school and other family members.
It’s important to keep in mind that, in such situations, children will be communicating their feelings with us without, necessarily, being aware of what is happening.
Therefore, there would be more than meets the eye as what is visible might not be the whole story and there might be underlying feelings.
Helping children manage their behaviour
Parents might find it challenging themselves to start off a conversation with their children when they are acting out. Their children may refuse to talk or struggle to realise that there might be a problem.
However, there are still ways parents can try while engaging in an activity that their children find relaxing, such as going for a walk, cooking or baking together, or doing something creative, like art. Should the issue persist, parents can also consider starting a conversation with their children by text or by writing them a letter.
It is advisable for parents to proceed by establishing clear boundaries and consistent routines. One way of doing this is by creating a ‘family agreement’ together which covers, for instance, screen time, family meals and times for getting up and going to bed. Parents might consider giving their children an immediate warning whenever they fail to follow the preset rules and follow this with a consequence.
“Parents need to convey the message that the children or their feelings are not the problem, but their behaviour is”
Once they manage to calm down, possibly with their parents’ help, children might consider discussing what happened.
Parents also need to lead by example, specifically by being aware of how they react in certain situations, recognising certain triggers, and understanding and naming their feelings as this will help their children do the same.
While using simple phrases when talking to their children, parents need to convey the message that the children or their feelings are not the problem, but their behaviour is. They also need to provide an explanation for this by, for instance, explaining to them that hitting or shouting at a person hurts.
Ideally, parents are curious and try to understand the situation from their children’s point of view while being non-judgmental. Children also tend to feel better when their parents offer them reassurance by telling them that they love them and help them feel happier.
Parents can help their children identify strategies that help them calm down, such as drawing or painting, doing physical exercises, listening to music, having some time alone and writing.
Seeking support
Parents should not hesitate to find professional help for themselves and their children if they require further support. Options to consider might be counselling and therapy, getting support from their children’s school or speaking to a GP.
In the process, parents need to keep in mind to look after themselves and do the things that help them recharge given how exhausting supporting children with challenging behaviour can be.
Johanna Cutajar is principal counsellor and member of the Malta Association for the Counselling Profession.
If you’re interested in learning more about the counselling profession or would like additional information on mental health and self-care, visit www.macpmalta.org, www.facebook.com/ CounsellingMaltaMACP or e-mail info@macpmalta.org.
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